Today I mailed in our adoption application and paperwork. It's on it's way. I'm excited to start this new journey but I still long for a child that I can carry, that is part of me and my husband. Even though we still have two frozen embryo's to try I guess I just don't have that good of a feeling about it. I've tried to stay positive and was just starting to get into a good place with being infertile for the first time in two years but had a little break down the other day. A reminder that I have been unsuccessful in getting pregnant and unsuccessful in just about everything else in my life. I just started the job search and it's going slow as I expected but I feel like I need to leave this place because I will never be given a chance to do anything else where I am no matter how hard I try. I'm having issues loosing weight, it's coming off but way to slow to even matter and if I can't lose weight I will never get my body working in the right way. I can tell just from being off all types of fertility meds for the last month and a half that my body still isn't working right, I tried to start running again today but my knee was killing me so I didn't get very far. I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life but it feels like the few things I really want I can't have or get.
I'm ready to start the adoption process but I'm not ready to be judged by people to see if other people think I will be fit to be a mother but I'm willing to do it because I know I will be. I'm ready for a family and now we just wait for confirmation that our adoption application was received and that we were approved to start the next steps in the process.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Struggling in more ways then just fertility
Ever since the IVF failed I have been trying so hard not to think about anything that has to do with trying to get pregnant. It's so very hard to do when it seems like every turn you make there is a pregnant woman or a child or a baby... I know Halloween is still over a month away but I'm dreading it. Sure, I love to decorate and I will admit that I found a bag of decorations while searching for my birth certificate last night (more of this issues later) and I had to put them out today. I just love the holidays and getting to put up decorations and give the house a different look for a while. However, last Halloween I though passing out candy would be a great idea and lost of fun to see the neighbors and their kids until this sweet little girl dressed as Jessie from Toy Story showed up at the door. She was so precious and I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down, I couldn't pass out any more candy. I wanted to be the mom with the child going door to door, but I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling and I never want to feel that way again. But... I'm sure I will, I'm sure between now and whenever we do have children there will be many more hard times on my end.
Some days are better then others. Today seems to be one of those days where all that keeps coming into my head is when will it be our turn? Most days following the failed IVF I have been able to keep my mind on other things and try to stay positive and then there are days like today. I'm struggling with another big decision I need to make, that I want to make and I know the right choice but I'm scared to just do it. Pretty much everyone knows I can't stand my job. I work my ass off for this company, I do what they say and more. I try and try to get ahead and then I never do. It's always the person who knows someone, or who's parents work at the same company who get the promotion or the move to the new position. After the rejection of the last position I applied for I just can't do it anymore. I'm so miserable. My work life is effecting my personal life, I'm sad all the time (sometimes because of fertility but mostly because of work). I get so bored at work, it doesn't stimulate me. And on top of that we are treated like children. they watch every step we take and every move we make. They change our breaks and lunch times and don't care when we have to work over 5 hours of taking phone calls and getting yelled at with out a break because it's all "Customer First" but we are their customer's and they are in no way putting us first and it is just getting so hard to deal with. I know I need to try and get a new job but I'm so scared that if I do the company will not have fertility coverage and I wont be able to afford to keep trying to IVF and keep working with my RE. This though scares me to death that I would have to just give up on trying to have a child of my own, a piece of me and my husband and our families. Most importantly a piece of my parents, a new extension of our side of the family. I just can't give that up but i know to be happy I have to leave at some point. I did get some good news from my parents the other day, the company that my father works for covers fertility, I was so happy to hear this... but now I have to get a job offer from them and I don't know if that will happen or if there will ever be a job I am qualified for there but I'm going to keep trying. I think if I can finally get out of this job that I'm at I can relax more and my stress levels will go down and I would be so much more happy which is always a good thing when you are trying to have a baby.
I have made the first steps in this new scary journey of trying to get a new job and applied for a position at another company. I pray that I can at least get an interview and maybe even the job, I would love to have a new job at a new company where I feel that I am respected and treated fairly. And of course at a place where i don't hate waking up in the mornings because I have to do a boring, repetitive job for 8 hours a day and deal with people who tell me I have so much potential but will never give me a shot. Pardon my french but I have come to realize everything that has been told to me over the last 4 years is a STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! and I'm done trying, it's time to hopefully move on soon.
I'm trying to take this TTC break and work on trying to be happy and trying to lose weight (which is working, slowly but surely, I'm trying to hard to keep it all up) and trying to get a new job and most importantly trying to not be so sad and depressed about not being able to get pregnant.
Some days are better then others. Today seems to be one of those days where all that keeps coming into my head is when will it be our turn? Most days following the failed IVF I have been able to keep my mind on other things and try to stay positive and then there are days like today. I'm struggling with another big decision I need to make, that I want to make and I know the right choice but I'm scared to just do it. Pretty much everyone knows I can't stand my job. I work my ass off for this company, I do what they say and more. I try and try to get ahead and then I never do. It's always the person who knows someone, or who's parents work at the same company who get the promotion or the move to the new position. After the rejection of the last position I applied for I just can't do it anymore. I'm so miserable. My work life is effecting my personal life, I'm sad all the time (sometimes because of fertility but mostly because of work). I get so bored at work, it doesn't stimulate me. And on top of that we are treated like children. they watch every step we take and every move we make. They change our breaks and lunch times and don't care when we have to work over 5 hours of taking phone calls and getting yelled at with out a break because it's all "Customer First" but we are their customer's and they are in no way putting us first and it is just getting so hard to deal with. I know I need to try and get a new job but I'm so scared that if I do the company will not have fertility coverage and I wont be able to afford to keep trying to IVF and keep working with my RE. This though scares me to death that I would have to just give up on trying to have a child of my own, a piece of me and my husband and our families. Most importantly a piece of my parents, a new extension of our side of the family. I just can't give that up but i know to be happy I have to leave at some point. I did get some good news from my parents the other day, the company that my father works for covers fertility, I was so happy to hear this... but now I have to get a job offer from them and I don't know if that will happen or if there will ever be a job I am qualified for there but I'm going to keep trying. I think if I can finally get out of this job that I'm at I can relax more and my stress levels will go down and I would be so much more happy which is always a good thing when you are trying to have a baby.
I have made the first steps in this new scary journey of trying to get a new job and applied for a position at another company. I pray that I can at least get an interview and maybe even the job, I would love to have a new job at a new company where I feel that I am respected and treated fairly. And of course at a place where i don't hate waking up in the mornings because I have to do a boring, repetitive job for 8 hours a day and deal with people who tell me I have so much potential but will never give me a shot. Pardon my french but I have come to realize everything that has been told to me over the last 4 years is a STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! and I'm done trying, it's time to hopefully move on soon.
I'm trying to take this TTC break and work on trying to be happy and trying to lose weight (which is working, slowly but surely, I'm trying to hard to keep it all up) and trying to get a new job and most importantly trying to not be so sad and depressed about not being able to get pregnant.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Every day there seems to be another one... and I'm still empty.
I'm still struggling with the failed IVF from over two weeks ago. Even though I'm doing much better then two weeks ago I still feel so empty inside. I'm not crying every day and I'm even not thinking about it 24/7 anymore but when I do it hurts. I'm trying to deal with this loss (to me it is a loss, there was a growing embryo, the start of life, and it didn't make it) and as much as I want to be happy for everyone who is getting pregnant these days it is still really hard. I am happy for those who are blessed with children and a family but it's hard to see sometimes. The last few days that I have gotten on facebook I have seen someone new announcing their pregnancy, people who are my age, people who I went to school with and that brings back all the horrible thoughts of why not me? Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I have a family? I try and try and try to push those thoughts back and replace them with positive thoughts... "I will have a baby", "I will get pregnant", "We will have a family..." Lately those have been staying around much longer then the negative ones but those negative ones always seem to show their ugly heads sometimes.
I had sent an email to a local fertility support group and was planning on going to their meeting, maybe talking to other people in person with the same issues as me might help out. But I chickened out. Every time I try to talk about this with anyone, I start to cry. I'm over crying, that's all I have been doing and it really gives a girl a bad head ache to cry all the time. I couldn't bare to start crying in front of complete strangers. I don't know if a support group would help me or not but for now I will keep to this blog to let my feelings out. Even if no one really reads this, it's sort of therapeutic for me in some ways but in other's it just brings up those bad feeling and thoughts of failure. My support group for now is my family, my amazing parents who would do anything for me and I feel so blessed to be their child because I really do feel that they are the best parents in the world. And my amazing husband, who loves me the way I am and loves me for me. He doesn't ask me to change or do things differently, he just supports me.
I have signed us up to go to another adoption information meeting in the next few days. At first I was against adoption, I didn't want to raise a child and have them want to go find their birth parents when they are older and leave me alone again with no children after raising them. Over the last two years of trying to have a child I have grown more open to the option of adoption but not an open adoption. I want to be the one and only mother or "mommy" in my child's life. I pray every night that I can give Jonathan a child of his own, a child that is made of him and I but if the Lord wants us to adopt that that is what we will have to do.
Even though I am more open to adoption, part of me still feels that even if we have all of our children through adoption I will still have that empty feeling inside of me, that "your a failure" feeling, that "your not a complete woman because you cant bare children" feeling. I pray that isn't the case if we do end up adopting but its all so scary.
Until that time comes I'm going to try and go back to my happy place, my place of content in not having a child yet and a place of hope that one day I will.
I had sent an email to a local fertility support group and was planning on going to their meeting, maybe talking to other people in person with the same issues as me might help out. But I chickened out. Every time I try to talk about this with anyone, I start to cry. I'm over crying, that's all I have been doing and it really gives a girl a bad head ache to cry all the time. I couldn't bare to start crying in front of complete strangers. I don't know if a support group would help me or not but for now I will keep to this blog to let my feelings out. Even if no one really reads this, it's sort of therapeutic for me in some ways but in other's it just brings up those bad feeling and thoughts of failure. My support group for now is my family, my amazing parents who would do anything for me and I feel so blessed to be their child because I really do feel that they are the best parents in the world. And my amazing husband, who loves me the way I am and loves me for me. He doesn't ask me to change or do things differently, he just supports me.
I have signed us up to go to another adoption information meeting in the next few days. At first I was against adoption, I didn't want to raise a child and have them want to go find their birth parents when they are older and leave me alone again with no children after raising them. Over the last two years of trying to have a child I have grown more open to the option of adoption but not an open adoption. I want to be the one and only mother or "mommy" in my child's life. I pray every night that I can give Jonathan a child of his own, a child that is made of him and I but if the Lord wants us to adopt that that is what we will have to do.
Even though I am more open to adoption, part of me still feels that even if we have all of our children through adoption I will still have that empty feeling inside of me, that "your a failure" feeling, that "your not a complete woman because you cant bare children" feeling. I pray that isn't the case if we do end up adopting but its all so scary.
Until that time comes I'm going to try and go back to my happy place, my place of content in not having a child yet and a place of hope that one day I will.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Big Fat FAIL
So here is what has been going on the past few weeks with the IVF. Our egg retrieval was scheduled for August 10th at 8 in the morning. They prepared me with the IV in my hand and walked me to the operating room. I laid on the table and all sorts of thoughts went through my head. At my last scan the doctor thought she would be able to retrieve about 15 to 16 eggs. With Jonathan by my side they started the procedure. I was overly excited but scared at the same time. Will there be good eggs, how many will they be able to get, will they fertilize and grow? At the same time I was excited knowing that there were eggs and they would be fertilized and I was so hopeful. As the nurse pumped me full of pain meds we watched on the ultrasound screen as she went and got the eggs. It seemed like I was there forever and all I heard was 3 eggs. "3 eggs" I thought... "But she said she could get around 15, I've been laying here forever and there are only three eggs???" More pain meds, more eggs, more pain meds, more eggs. The end result was 17 eggs. More then we expected. I had high hopes that most of them would fertilize. I had to stay at the operating center for a while before they would let me go. Before I left they made me take two more pain pills... We will just say that the drive home was not the best car ride I have ever been on. And I'm sure that the side of 465 was not to thrilled when I made Jonathan pull over on the side of the road.... I think you can guess what happened next.
Once home I had to lay at a 45 degree angle for the first 24-48 hours but I only made it maybe 12 hours... Due to the high levels of pain meds I was given, I slept pretty much all day until about 7pm. At this time I had to get up and prepaire the injection and put my estrogen patches on. As I was preparing the injection I started getting very light headed so I sat down for a moment to regroup. I finally got the injection ready and Jonathan proceeded to give it to me... Then I walked out of the bathroom to go back to the recliner I had to stay in. The next thing I remember is Jonathan yelling my name and waking up in the middle of the bedroom floor thinking "why am I laying flat?? I'm not supposed to be laying flat, what is going on..." I had passed out. I immediately stood up and started back towards the chair but again didn't make it, again, I passed out in the hallway. Finally I made it back to the chair where I started to sweat and was having difficulty breathing. Before we had left the clinic they had given me a sheet of paper with an emergency phone number on it, we called and it was disconnected! So we called the doctors regular office number and the emergency line advised someone would call us back shortly... An hour passed and we called back, finally someone came on the line and told Jonathan to get me to the Emergency Room... So we headed to Clarian West where the put me in a room with and IV, they took some blood and made me pee in a cup... I could tell the ER doctor had no idea what was going on, I think I am more schooled in infertility then she is. Several hours later I had to have a cat scan where they told me that I had excessive fluid in my abdomen which I could have told them without the cat scan. They said they were going to admit me... The OB/GYN on call then came in the room and said that I could be in the hospital for over a week because my ovaries were Hyper stimulated from the IVF procedures. He also told us that hyper stimulation is not common and they could not treat me at Clarian West. They had to move me to IU downtown and I had to be transported in an Ambulance. Another few hours later the ambulance finally arrived and then we were downtown. My doctors office is at IU downtown so she finally arrived around 7 in the morning. One of the first things I told her was that her emergency phone number was disconnected! She told me it wasn't as bad as the other doctors were telling us and around 5pm that night I was able to go home.
Over the next few days my stomach was so swollen and puffed up, i could barley move and walk, all I wanted to do was sleep, i hurt so bad. On Sunday were going to go out to a nice dinner with my parents and right before they were going to pick us up I started getting light headed and sweaty again, it wasn't as bad as the day of the operation so I went to dinner but we had to cut it short as I was not doing good. The next day we were supposed to have our transfer, I was scared that being so sick it wasn't a good idea.
Monday came and I was even more sick, I was going from being cold to hot and sweaty, I couldn't eat anything because every time I would sit up I would throw up. We went to the clinic anyways so the doctor could check me out and let us know if it was still a good idea to do the transfer. I laid down in the bed for a while as the doctor was working with someone else still. I started to feel better, but laying down was the only way I did feel good. The doctor came in and checked me out, she seemed to think everything was okay as I didn't have any fluid in my lungs. She never really answered out question about why I was light headed and throwing up all day. but she felt it was okay to do the transfer.
Out of the 17 eggs we got, 9 were large enough to fertilize but only three were ready by day 5, one was grade A+ and the other two A's. In my mind I was thinking, 3... that's it?!?! Out of 17 we only got three all of this for three?? But also at least we got three, some people may not get any. So we transferred back the grade A+ embryo. After an hour of laying down I got up and they got me a wheel chair to take me out and again, more throwing up. I was so nervous that me getting sick had ruined everything. we went home and I just rested. I didn't do much of anything. I was so sick and hurting. It took me over two weeks from the retrieval to even be able to stand up long enough to just take a showing.
Anyone who has had trouble with fertility knows that what is referred to as the two week wait is the longest two weeks of your life. I've been through almost 2 years of two week waits now, one would think I would be used to it, but ever 2 week wait is new and different. I remember the doctor saying that if the IVF took that my ovaries might stay enlarged for the next 5 to 7 weeks and they may continue to be sore and hurt... That's when I knew something wasn't right.
About a week after the transfer I woke up and I wasn't hurting anymore... I knew it didn't work, no one wanted to believe me. But it's my body and I have been going through these fertility treatments for almost 2 years. I just knew it didn't work but I tried to stay positive. Even after I started to have some spotting for a few days I was trying to be positive but at the same time I was being realistic. I knew this was yet another period coming and another negative pregnancy test. My period hadn't started by the day I was to get my blood work done so I went Monday morning and I called the nurse to let her know to expect the results... She called me a few hours later and I was right, Big Fat NEGATIVE. The IVF didn't work and I was yet again not pregnant. I always though for sure IVF would work, I mean the egg gets fertilized and then implanted... Why didn't my egg implantation take? What is so wrong with me that I can't get pregnant. Am i not meant to be a mom? I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. I mean the woman is supposed to be able to give her husband children right??? So why can't I do this one little thing? Why can't I get pregnant and give my husband a child and my parents grandchildren?
There are so many emotions that a person goes through when dealing with infertility. Your try to stay positive but negative thoughts keep getting in the way. I was so hopeful when i found out that my insurance would cover all IVF procedures. I thought, "this is it, we are going to have a family, we are going to have a child of our own, this just has to work..." But it didn't. I asked the nurse why it might not have worked? They didn't really give me an answer. Sometimes I really don't like the office that I am working with, I feel that they know what they are doing medically and they are always using medical terminology that I just don't understand but they are not the best at being personable and caring and understanding. They don't take the time to explain what is going on in layman's terms so that you understand. The only time they did this was when I would ask them to explain or give a definition of what in the world they were talking about.
"So now what..." I can't even get pregnant with IVF, they put a growing embryo inside of my and it didn't stick... I still wonder why me? Why am i having so many problems. I try and keep my faith in God that he will give us a family one day but then those negative thoughts start to creep back in. I try to erase them from my mind but every so often here they come again. "Your a failure, you suck, your to fat and you will never have a baby" I'm trying to not let this effect me but it does. You can't understand what someone who is dealing with infertility is going through unless you have gone through it yourself.
I'm trying to just relax and take it one day at a time. I want this so bad, i want to have a family and I want to be able to give that gift to my husband as well and i can't help continuing to think "When will that happen"? When will it be my turn to celebrate? When will it be my time to be over the moon excited about starting a family... When will it be our turn to celebrate a blessing together and with out family??
I don't know when that will happen or if it will, but I'm trying to keep my faith and keep my hope alive. We still have two frozen embryos to try. The lab that we have been using is backed up according to the nurse so she said it would be best to try a frozen IVF cycle in January sometime... It seems so far away but it might be good. To take a break and not always be thinking about trying to get pregnant and when to take the pills and the shots and always having to go to the doctors office and get scans and just take some time to focus on the little family we have right now, just me and my husband and enjoy our time together and just continue to hope and pray that this next cycle might work.
Until later,
Ashleigh
Once home I had to lay at a 45 degree angle for the first 24-48 hours but I only made it maybe 12 hours... Due to the high levels of pain meds I was given, I slept pretty much all day until about 7pm. At this time I had to get up and prepaire the injection and put my estrogen patches on. As I was preparing the injection I started getting very light headed so I sat down for a moment to regroup. I finally got the injection ready and Jonathan proceeded to give it to me... Then I walked out of the bathroom to go back to the recliner I had to stay in. The next thing I remember is Jonathan yelling my name and waking up in the middle of the bedroom floor thinking "why am I laying flat?? I'm not supposed to be laying flat, what is going on..." I had passed out. I immediately stood up and started back towards the chair but again didn't make it, again, I passed out in the hallway. Finally I made it back to the chair where I started to sweat and was having difficulty breathing. Before we had left the clinic they had given me a sheet of paper with an emergency phone number on it, we called and it was disconnected! So we called the doctors regular office number and the emergency line advised someone would call us back shortly... An hour passed and we called back, finally someone came on the line and told Jonathan to get me to the Emergency Room... So we headed to Clarian West where the put me in a room with and IV, they took some blood and made me pee in a cup... I could tell the ER doctor had no idea what was going on, I think I am more schooled in infertility then she is. Several hours later I had to have a cat scan where they told me that I had excessive fluid in my abdomen which I could have told them without the cat scan. They said they were going to admit me... The OB/GYN on call then came in the room and said that I could be in the hospital for over a week because my ovaries were Hyper stimulated from the IVF procedures. He also told us that hyper stimulation is not common and they could not treat me at Clarian West. They had to move me to IU downtown and I had to be transported in an Ambulance. Another few hours later the ambulance finally arrived and then we were downtown. My doctors office is at IU downtown so she finally arrived around 7 in the morning. One of the first things I told her was that her emergency phone number was disconnected! She told me it wasn't as bad as the other doctors were telling us and around 5pm that night I was able to go home.
Over the next few days my stomach was so swollen and puffed up, i could barley move and walk, all I wanted to do was sleep, i hurt so bad. On Sunday were going to go out to a nice dinner with my parents and right before they were going to pick us up I started getting light headed and sweaty again, it wasn't as bad as the day of the operation so I went to dinner but we had to cut it short as I was not doing good. The next day we were supposed to have our transfer, I was scared that being so sick it wasn't a good idea.
Monday came and I was even more sick, I was going from being cold to hot and sweaty, I couldn't eat anything because every time I would sit up I would throw up. We went to the clinic anyways so the doctor could check me out and let us know if it was still a good idea to do the transfer. I laid down in the bed for a while as the doctor was working with someone else still. I started to feel better, but laying down was the only way I did feel good. The doctor came in and checked me out, she seemed to think everything was okay as I didn't have any fluid in my lungs. She never really answered out question about why I was light headed and throwing up all day. but she felt it was okay to do the transfer.
Out of the 17 eggs we got, 9 were large enough to fertilize but only three were ready by day 5, one was grade A+ and the other two A's. In my mind I was thinking, 3... that's it?!?! Out of 17 we only got three all of this for three?? But also at least we got three, some people may not get any. So we transferred back the grade A+ embryo. After an hour of laying down I got up and they got me a wheel chair to take me out and again, more throwing up. I was so nervous that me getting sick had ruined everything. we went home and I just rested. I didn't do much of anything. I was so sick and hurting. It took me over two weeks from the retrieval to even be able to stand up long enough to just take a showing.
Anyone who has had trouble with fertility knows that what is referred to as the two week wait is the longest two weeks of your life. I've been through almost 2 years of two week waits now, one would think I would be used to it, but ever 2 week wait is new and different. I remember the doctor saying that if the IVF took that my ovaries might stay enlarged for the next 5 to 7 weeks and they may continue to be sore and hurt... That's when I knew something wasn't right.
About a week after the transfer I woke up and I wasn't hurting anymore... I knew it didn't work, no one wanted to believe me. But it's my body and I have been going through these fertility treatments for almost 2 years. I just knew it didn't work but I tried to stay positive. Even after I started to have some spotting for a few days I was trying to be positive but at the same time I was being realistic. I knew this was yet another period coming and another negative pregnancy test. My period hadn't started by the day I was to get my blood work done so I went Monday morning and I called the nurse to let her know to expect the results... She called me a few hours later and I was right, Big Fat NEGATIVE. The IVF didn't work and I was yet again not pregnant. I always though for sure IVF would work, I mean the egg gets fertilized and then implanted... Why didn't my egg implantation take? What is so wrong with me that I can't get pregnant. Am i not meant to be a mom? I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. I mean the woman is supposed to be able to give her husband children right??? So why can't I do this one little thing? Why can't I get pregnant and give my husband a child and my parents grandchildren?
There are so many emotions that a person goes through when dealing with infertility. Your try to stay positive but negative thoughts keep getting in the way. I was so hopeful when i found out that my insurance would cover all IVF procedures. I thought, "this is it, we are going to have a family, we are going to have a child of our own, this just has to work..." But it didn't. I asked the nurse why it might not have worked? They didn't really give me an answer. Sometimes I really don't like the office that I am working with, I feel that they know what they are doing medically and they are always using medical terminology that I just don't understand but they are not the best at being personable and caring and understanding. They don't take the time to explain what is going on in layman's terms so that you understand. The only time they did this was when I would ask them to explain or give a definition of what in the world they were talking about.
"So now what..." I can't even get pregnant with IVF, they put a growing embryo inside of my and it didn't stick... I still wonder why me? Why am i having so many problems. I try and keep my faith in God that he will give us a family one day but then those negative thoughts start to creep back in. I try to erase them from my mind but every so often here they come again. "Your a failure, you suck, your to fat and you will never have a baby" I'm trying to not let this effect me but it does. You can't understand what someone who is dealing with infertility is going through unless you have gone through it yourself.
I'm trying to just relax and take it one day at a time. I want this so bad, i want to have a family and I want to be able to give that gift to my husband as well and i can't help continuing to think "When will that happen"? When will it be my turn to celebrate? When will it be my time to be over the moon excited about starting a family... When will it be our turn to celebrate a blessing together and with out family??
I don't know when that will happen or if it will, but I'm trying to keep my faith and keep my hope alive. We still have two frozen embryos to try. The lab that we have been using is backed up according to the nurse so she said it would be best to try a frozen IVF cycle in January sometime... It seems so far away but it might be good. To take a break and not always be thinking about trying to get pregnant and when to take the pills and the shots and always having to go to the doctors office and get scans and just take some time to focus on the little family we have right now, just me and my husband and enjoy our time together and just continue to hope and pray that this next cycle might work.
Until later,
Ashleigh
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Feeling groggy but tomorrow is the day
The last few days haven't been the best for me. I have been tired, I have had head achs and my ovaries are so large that I feel them every time I move, they are so tender that I can't wait for tomorrow.
A lot of things are going through my mind. I'm trying to stay as stress free as possible. I'm ready for the next step tomorrow which is when the doctor will go in and get all the eggs that she can. I had a scan on Monday and there are about 30 follicles growing and the doctor said she thinks she should be able to get about 16 or 17 eggs. Not ever follicle is big enough to have a mature egg in it but 16 or 17 sounds like a good number to me, especially since they might not all fertilize and even if they do all fertilize they might not all grow as they should. I'm trying not to be anxious and just have faith that this is going to work for us and this is what God's plan was for us. I am so ready for tomorrow morning to see what we end up getting.
I also feel blessed to have tips and suggestion from a friend of mine who has just gone through IVF. It's nice to read message boards and everything but to know someone personally who has gone through what I am going through and it has worked for them is a great confidence booster! I'm thankful for all the time and advice she has given me and hope and pray that our outcome is just as good as hers and her husbands.
That's all for now, just saying some prayers that everything goes good tomorrow morning and that maybe after this I will start feeling better but today is the only day that I don't take any injections starting tomorrow we are on to the next round of shots and pills and patches!
A lot of things are going through my mind. I'm trying to stay as stress free as possible. I'm ready for the next step tomorrow which is when the doctor will go in and get all the eggs that she can. I had a scan on Monday and there are about 30 follicles growing and the doctor said she thinks she should be able to get about 16 or 17 eggs. Not ever follicle is big enough to have a mature egg in it but 16 or 17 sounds like a good number to me, especially since they might not all fertilize and even if they do all fertilize they might not all grow as they should. I'm trying not to be anxious and just have faith that this is going to work for us and this is what God's plan was for us. I am so ready for tomorrow morning to see what we end up getting.
I also feel blessed to have tips and suggestion from a friend of mine who has just gone through IVF. It's nice to read message boards and everything but to know someone personally who has gone through what I am going through and it has worked for them is a great confidence booster! I'm thankful for all the time and advice she has given me and hope and pray that our outcome is just as good as hers and her husbands.
That's all for now, just saying some prayers that everything goes good tomorrow morning and that maybe after this I will start feeling better but today is the only day that I don't take any injections starting tomorrow we are on to the next round of shots and pills and patches!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Ovary Overload
Just an update, I'm pretty tired today and don't have the energy to type a whole lot.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I'm a human pincushion... but all is on track!
This morning was a little emotional for me. I had several things on my plate. The biggest though was my first ultrasound and blood work. I was nervous that things wouldn't be where they needed to be and our calendar would be off. I really want to stay 100% on the calendar if possible (Even though the nurse said most people don't got 100% to the date) because I already have all my days off of work requested and placed in my schedule at work. It may be difficult to get these moves it may not. I think it depends on the mood of the day sometimes at my work place.
I don't know how the blood work came out but the ultrasound was just where it needs to be. Lots of small follicles on each of my ovaries. So now we move on to the next step. Reduce the injections I was taking to once a day and start a new type of injection twice a day. This injection is the one they say can make me moody. So far, no side effects from the first injection the nurse gave me this morning. I'm really hoping that it stays that way for the entire time that I have to take this medication. So in this phase I will be taking three injections (I feel like a human pincushion...) As well as the 5 pills I was already taking and then add on top of that one more pill that I have to take twice a day. Right now I'm just trying to keep my emotions in check and not get to nervous about everything that is going on. Ultrasound and blood work number two is next wednesday. Hopefully all those little follicles are starting to fatten up and grow to nice mature eggs for the next step.
Here's to everything going and staying on the right track! Till next time.
I don't know how the blood work came out but the ultrasound was just where it needs to be. Lots of small follicles on each of my ovaries. So now we move on to the next step. Reduce the injections I was taking to once a day and start a new type of injection twice a day. This injection is the one they say can make me moody. So far, no side effects from the first injection the nurse gave me this morning. I'm really hoping that it stays that way for the entire time that I have to take this medication. So in this phase I will be taking three injections (I feel like a human pincushion...) As well as the 5 pills I was already taking and then add on top of that one more pill that I have to take twice a day. Right now I'm just trying to keep my emotions in check and not get to nervous about everything that is going on. Ultrasound and blood work number two is next wednesday. Hopefully all those little follicles are starting to fatten up and grow to nice mature eggs for the next step.
Here's to everything going and staying on the right track! Till next time.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
First Ultrasound and blood work tomorrow
So, I have been taking Lupron Injections twice a day since 7/17, as well as many different pills. Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and blood work to check and make sure my ovaries are looking good and that my estrodile levels are where they need to be. I'm just hoping that everything goes well and we can stick to the scheduled calendar as close as possible!
Tomorrow also starts more injections and more pills. The nurse said these new injections might make me cranky (I think she was using that as a nice word to describe how I might feel with these injections).
Will post tomorrow after the appointment and after I know that everything is on track.
Tomorrow also starts more injections and more pills. The nurse said these new injections might make me cranky (I think she was using that as a nice word to describe how I might feel with these injections).
Will post tomorrow after the appointment and after I know that everything is on track.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Injections and weight loss, or lack there of...
So the injections has started, as of Sunday I have been taking two injections a day along with 6 other pills. Giving myself the injections isn't as bad as I thought it would be, just in and out of the sin. Haven't had any real side effects so that is good to. This is the 4th day of injections. I will go to the doctors office on the 29th to get a scan and get some blood work done. Then, if everything is okay with the scan and blood work I will start another injection... This one Jonathan will have to give to me but he has done that before on other cycles so that shouldn't be an issue. There is still just a lot of waiting and anticipating...
As far as the weight loss part of the subject... My mom had heard about this 17 day diet from some ladies at the gym, she decided to do it and she said her clothing is much looser after the first 17 days. So, Jonathan and I have started it as well. We are on cycle one right now which doesn't give you a lot of options but I haven't cheated once and I'm very proud of myself. I've lost about 8 pounds so far but that was all before I started taking the fertility injections.... Today I got back on the scale for the first time in several days... and NOTHING, no loss of any kind. I'm following this to a "T" and now I'm not losing anything?!?!? WTF!!! I have to think it's the injections because that is the only thing that has changed. I really though this was going to be a good thing because I haven't been able to loose weight forever and now that I was these medications might be preventing me from losing any more? I thought this diet would be a good thing right now but now today I'm just sad that I haven't lost anything over the past few days. Jonathan isn't even following it to a T and he just keeps loosing and loosing and now I'm just sitting at the same place. Hopefully on Saturday I will see some more loss otherwise I'm not sure what I will do I will definitely be pissed off b/c I was doing such a good job and I'm not cheating at all and as I said before, no loss what so ever for the last 4... Oh well. I guess if anything at least I am eating better. I just thought that the weight loss before the transfer would be a great thing and now I'm at a stand still already...
As far as the weight loss part of the subject... My mom had heard about this 17 day diet from some ladies at the gym, she decided to do it and she said her clothing is much looser after the first 17 days. So, Jonathan and I have started it as well. We are on cycle one right now which doesn't give you a lot of options but I haven't cheated once and I'm very proud of myself. I've lost about 8 pounds so far but that was all before I started taking the fertility injections.... Today I got back on the scale for the first time in several days... and NOTHING, no loss of any kind. I'm following this to a "T" and now I'm not losing anything?!?!? WTF!!! I have to think it's the injections because that is the only thing that has changed. I really though this was going to be a good thing because I haven't been able to loose weight forever and now that I was these medications might be preventing me from losing any more? I thought this diet would be a good thing right now but now today I'm just sad that I haven't lost anything over the past few days. Jonathan isn't even following it to a T and he just keeps loosing and loosing and now I'm just sitting at the same place. Hopefully on Saturday I will see some more loss otherwise I'm not sure what I will do I will definitely be pissed off b/c I was doing such a good job and I'm not cheating at all and as I said before, no loss what so ever for the last 4... Oh well. I guess if anything at least I am eating better. I just thought that the weight loss before the transfer would be a great thing and now I'm at a stand still already...
Friday, July 8, 2011
Holy medications, Batman!
Currently I am still on birth control pills letting the ovaries rest. We have an appointment with the nurse on the 13th to learn how to take all the injections and pills and how to follow the calendar for the cycle. The medications look so overwhelming and I hope that I am able to give myself the injections and do them correctly and at the right times. I don't want to mess any of this up. It's true that my insurance is paying for this which is nice because the medications above cost me just over 100 dollars out of pocket and if my insurance didn't cover this it would have cost thousands of dollars and I wouldn't even have this picture to post because we wouldn't even be doing IVF, but I still don't want to mess anything up.
Per out calendar that the nurse made up I will start taking all the medications on July 17th, just a week after our 2 year wedding anniversary. Starting on the 29th I will go in for several ultrasounds to check and see how the ovaries are developing. I will go about every 3 days until the 8th of August. Hopefully everything is developed and looking good on the 8th and then Jonathan can give me the HCG shot to induce ovulation of all the follicles and on the 10th I can go in for my egg retrieval. On the 15th hopefully everything will be fertilized and developing correctly and we can transfer the two best embryos back and make some babies.
I rally hope that this works, if it doesn't I wont be able to help thinking everything for the past year and more really has been my fault. I mean, I am the woman, I should be able to carry children. Even though the previous medications I have been on have solved my ovulation issues I still haven't been able to get pregnant. If this doesn't work I know that it will not be good for the depressed I have had in the past during our trying to conceive time. I just wont be able to help thinking what is wrong with me? But I hope that it doesn't get to that point and that by the end of August we will have some great news, a positive pregnancy test and maybe even twins!
I wish the 17th would come fasters so we can get this started!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Giving the Ovaries a rest, Medications and Paperworke
So it's official, we have started the first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle. To start this about a week ago I had to go back on birth control, this is to help give my ovaries a rest from all the other cycles and medications that I have taken over the past year. I will take 3 weeks of active pills and then skip the placebo pills and then take 1 to 2 more weeks of active pills to make sure no follicles are being produced.
It's weird to be back on birth control after so long. Trying to remember to take it every day is hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm my own pharmacy and I need to lay all the pills that I am taking out so I can remember to take each of them every day. What makes taking these medications even worse is that I can't take them all at the same time. One has to be taken with food twice a day, one can should not be taken with in 2 hours of eating (which is hard because I try to eat 5 small meals a day so it feels like I am always eating...) the other should be taken at the same time every day to be most effective... I think though that the three different pills that I am on right now wont be anything compared to all of the injections I am getting ready to have to take.
On Friday 6-17-2011 Jonathan and I went in and signed all the consent paperwork for the IVF treatments. There was so much to go over. Giving consent for the procedures, filling out insurance paperwork, deciding what to do with any eggs that I not implanted, do you want to freeze them or not (if you freeze them and the first cycle doesn't work then you can try again with the frozen ones without all the pain and time of the first cycle). We have to decided if we want to do what is called IVF with ICIS which is where if the sperm doesn't fertilize the egg on it's own or the lab finds something not quite correct they will take one sperm and inject it into one egg and fertilize it that way. There are some possible side effects for children conceived this way which makes us a little concerned about having to do this. I'm going to read up on it a little more then just the one piece of paper they gave to us and see if we can come to a conclusion of if we want to do this or not.
The hardest form to fill out and sign is yet to be completed. It's a form asking us what will happen to the frozen eggs if one or both of us should pass away or if we get divorced (which is not going to happen). It makes what should be a happy time of trying to start a family kind of a sad time, thinking about what would happen if something horrible happened to Jonathan is not something that I want to think about but I am now being forced to think about it and sign a paper stating what will happen to any frozen embryos... I think that our love for each other will help us make these decisions and make this form a lot easier to fill out.
Right now I am just waiting on my official calendar of doctors visits to come in the mail and my medication list to take to the pharmacy. Once I get that we will go back on July 13th for a medication review and start the heavy hitters (the injections to help grow as many follicles as possible to give us the best chance of growing out family soon)
I know this post doesn't really have a great flow and it's kinda choppy but that is what has been going on, will post more after my next appointment or if I get word of anything else.
It's weird to be back on birth control after so long. Trying to remember to take it every day is hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm my own pharmacy and I need to lay all the pills that I am taking out so I can remember to take each of them every day. What makes taking these medications even worse is that I can't take them all at the same time. One has to be taken with food twice a day, one can should not be taken with in 2 hours of eating (which is hard because I try to eat 5 small meals a day so it feels like I am always eating...) the other should be taken at the same time every day to be most effective... I think though that the three different pills that I am on right now wont be anything compared to all of the injections I am getting ready to have to take.
On Friday 6-17-2011 Jonathan and I went in and signed all the consent paperwork for the IVF treatments. There was so much to go over. Giving consent for the procedures, filling out insurance paperwork, deciding what to do with any eggs that I not implanted, do you want to freeze them or not (if you freeze them and the first cycle doesn't work then you can try again with the frozen ones without all the pain and time of the first cycle). We have to decided if we want to do what is called IVF with ICIS which is where if the sperm doesn't fertilize the egg on it's own or the lab finds something not quite correct they will take one sperm and inject it into one egg and fertilize it that way. There are some possible side effects for children conceived this way which makes us a little concerned about having to do this. I'm going to read up on it a little more then just the one piece of paper they gave to us and see if we can come to a conclusion of if we want to do this or not.
The hardest form to fill out and sign is yet to be completed. It's a form asking us what will happen to the frozen eggs if one or both of us should pass away or if we get divorced (which is not going to happen). It makes what should be a happy time of trying to start a family kind of a sad time, thinking about what would happen if something horrible happened to Jonathan is not something that I want to think about but I am now being forced to think about it and sign a paper stating what will happen to any frozen embryos... I think that our love for each other will help us make these decisions and make this form a lot easier to fill out.
Right now I am just waiting on my official calendar of doctors visits to come in the mail and my medication list to take to the pharmacy. Once I get that we will go back on July 13th for a medication review and start the heavy hitters (the injections to help grow as many follicles as possible to give us the best chance of growing out family soon)
I know this post doesn't really have a great flow and it's kinda choppy but that is what has been going on, will post more after my next appointment or if I get word of anything else.
Friday, June 10, 2011
A new path on our journey: IVF Treatments
Unfortunately last cycle wasn't our cycle, again. I called the Doctors office and gave them all of my insurance information so they could contact the insurance and get all the approval paperwork started so we could get it as soon as possible (b/c insurance companies can take FOREVER to approve things) b/c I was not going to go through with this costly procedure without proof that it is going to be covered.
I'm sad that I missed the call from the doctors nurse yesterday but she did leave a message. She said she spoke with the insurance company and they said that since we have fertility coverage that there is no pre-authorization needed, all it has to be billed as is outpatient surgery (which it will) and it will be covered. I think the only part that might not be covered is the freezing of any eggs that are not used and that really isn't that much of a cost.
I'm excited to get started and hope to start next cycle. I know that IVF isn't a sure thing and that it might not work no matter how many times we might try but the since I am producing mature eggs with this medication it seems to me that the new concern is that the sperm and egg are not meeting up and at least with IVF you know that the egg will be fertilized and it will be implanted and then the only wonder you have is waiting the two weeks to see if it sticks... I pray that this is what will do it for us and we will be starting our family soon.
I'll post more as we actually start the process and hopefully I will be posting some good news sometime soon.
I'm sad that I missed the call from the doctors nurse yesterday but she did leave a message. She said she spoke with the insurance company and they said that since we have fertility coverage that there is no pre-authorization needed, all it has to be billed as is outpatient surgery (which it will) and it will be covered. I think the only part that might not be covered is the freezing of any eggs that are not used and that really isn't that much of a cost.
I'm excited to get started and hope to start next cycle. I know that IVF isn't a sure thing and that it might not work no matter how many times we might try but the since I am producing mature eggs with this medication it seems to me that the new concern is that the sperm and egg are not meeting up and at least with IVF you know that the egg will be fertilized and it will be implanted and then the only wonder you have is waiting the two weeks to see if it sticks... I pray that this is what will do it for us and we will be starting our family soon.
I'll post more as we actually start the process and hopefully I will be posting some good news sometime soon.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Fertility Yoga
I have been practicing yoga for just about a year now and I really really like it. of course with all of the online research that I have done over the past year about infertility and conception I did come across fertility yoga. i never really looked into it more until recently.
Yoga really does help relax the body and is supposed to help get rid of toxin in the internal organs and also strengthen the body. different poses are said to assist with not only different muscle groups but different organs as well. And there are specific poses that can help with the reproductive organs. A lot of poses that can help with fertility are restorative poses and not crazy twists and hand stands and stuff, they are easy and relaxing, at least that is what I have found when I researched some poses that could help.
I can't tell you that I'm 100% into the holistic approach to fertility after going to the chiropractor for almost a year with no such luck in conceiving but I do really enjoy yoga so why not try some of these poses out on days where I do not attend yoga class. Here are some of the poses that I have found, these are very easy to do and you can be a total beginner to do them.
Legs up the wall pose: Laying on your back you want your bottom right up against the wall with your legs straight up the wall arms are typically over head or in a comfortable position for you. Once your pelvis is in the correct position then you can relax your legs letting them bend and you can stay here for at least 20 minutes, its very relaxing. However there are some yoga poses that you do not want to do if you are menstruating and this is on of them.
Supported bridge pose: We all know the bridge pose that you use to do in gym class. laying on your back feel flat on the floor knees bent. Gently lift your pelvis up in the air. Face should be looking up and arms should be on the floor. Stay in this pose as long as it is comfortable for you. And then gently low your hips back down to the ground.
Cobra pose: You should be lying on your belly with feet together. Hands should be placed close to the body under the shoulders. On your inhale you will push off your hands and extend your arms pushing your chest and head off the floor. This pose is a great stretch for the abdomen.
Wide angle pose: You should be sitting on the ground legs wide apart. You do not want to stretch your legs to much they should just be in a comfortable position. Then you will lean forward as far as you can. With each inhale and exhale you can try and bend further forward as far as you can go. Once you have gone as far as you can go you want to gently push yourself back up into your seated position.
There are many other position that can be helpful to increase your fertility and there are many books and DVD's that you can purchase as well. If you are like me and money is a little tight you can always go on YouTube and search for fertility yoga and there are a lot of good videos that will come up and you can follow along with those videos while you try the poses.
Now I'm not sure that yoga helps with fertility or not but I do know that I enjoy it and I will keep up with it no matter what!
Yoga really does help relax the body and is supposed to help get rid of toxin in the internal organs and also strengthen the body. different poses are said to assist with not only different muscle groups but different organs as well. And there are specific poses that can help with the reproductive organs. A lot of poses that can help with fertility are restorative poses and not crazy twists and hand stands and stuff, they are easy and relaxing, at least that is what I have found when I researched some poses that could help.
I can't tell you that I'm 100% into the holistic approach to fertility after going to the chiropractor for almost a year with no such luck in conceiving but I do really enjoy yoga so why not try some of these poses out on days where I do not attend yoga class. Here are some of the poses that I have found, these are very easy to do and you can be a total beginner to do them.
Legs up the wall pose: Laying on your back you want your bottom right up against the wall with your legs straight up the wall arms are typically over head or in a comfortable position for you. Once your pelvis is in the correct position then you can relax your legs letting them bend and you can stay here for at least 20 minutes, its very relaxing. However there are some yoga poses that you do not want to do if you are menstruating and this is on of them.
Supported bridge pose: We all know the bridge pose that you use to do in gym class. laying on your back feel flat on the floor knees bent. Gently lift your pelvis up in the air. Face should be looking up and arms should be on the floor. Stay in this pose as long as it is comfortable for you. And then gently low your hips back down to the ground.
Cobra pose: You should be lying on your belly with feet together. Hands should be placed close to the body under the shoulders. On your inhale you will push off your hands and extend your arms pushing your chest and head off the floor. This pose is a great stretch for the abdomen.
Wide angle pose: You should be sitting on the ground legs wide apart. You do not want to stretch your legs to much they should just be in a comfortable position. Then you will lean forward as far as you can. With each inhale and exhale you can try and bend further forward as far as you can go. Once you have gone as far as you can go you want to gently push yourself back up into your seated position.
There are many other position that can be helpful to increase your fertility and there are many books and DVD's that you can purchase as well. If you are like me and money is a little tight you can always go on YouTube and search for fertility yoga and there are a lot of good videos that will come up and you can follow along with those videos while you try the poses.
Now I'm not sure that yoga helps with fertility or not but I do know that I enjoy it and I will keep up with it no matter what!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Today was the Day the Doctor said to test...
So, Two weeks ago after my appointment with my RE she said that if my cycle didn't start by today then I should take a test...
I just couldn't do it. I have been feeling for about a week now that my cycle is getting ready to start and that again this month will be another failure... I just can't bring myself to take a test and see another negative, so I wait. I'm just waiting in anticipation for this next cycle to start so we can start the process of getting the approval from the insurance company for the IVF procedure. I feel in my heart that IVF is the way we have to go in order to have a baby. There will be a lot of ups and downs with IVF, knowing that the egg is fertilized and implanted is something I really look forward to.... But then the nervousness and anticipation to see if it sticks and then if it does will it be a viable pregnancy will be the worst part.
I just wish that this cycle would start already so that we can get on with trying to start our family. The wait is the worst part!
I just couldn't do it. I have been feeling for about a week now that my cycle is getting ready to start and that again this month will be another failure... I just can't bring myself to take a test and see another negative, so I wait. I'm just waiting in anticipation for this next cycle to start so we can start the process of getting the approval from the insurance company for the IVF procedure. I feel in my heart that IVF is the way we have to go in order to have a baby. There will be a lot of ups and downs with IVF, knowing that the egg is fertilized and implanted is something I really look forward to.... But then the nervousness and anticipation to see if it sticks and then if it does will it be a viable pregnancy will be the worst part.
I just wish that this cycle would start already so that we can get on with trying to start our family. The wait is the worst part!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Chiropractics for Conception...
Just under a year ago I went to an employee development workshop at my place of employment, I don't remember the exact title but it was something to do with work/life balance and reducing stress. It was put on by a Chiropractic clinic in Carmel, Indiana. The two doctors that spoke gave some good advice and also some that I thought was a little cooky... During their presentation that spoke about how the nervous system works and how if you spine is out of line then your body is unable to "speak" properly to those parts of your body where the nerves are being cut off due to spinal sublexations. The said that if the spine is corrected with chiropractic adjustments then the nerve flow would be better and it can help your internal organs work better. Including your ovaries and reproductive organs. This really got my attention as I was ready and willing to try anything that could help us have a baby.
The clinic was offering a 20 dollar initial exam and x-rays and the 20 dollars would go to JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, as I work for a company who makes diabetes home monitoring kits) So I thought to myself why not give it a shot. It's 20 dollars that goes to a good cause and maybe just maybe this was a sign from God that I should do this in order to help us conceive.
Both Chiropractors that spoke told stories of their own wives and how they were having trouble conceiving and even had several miscarriages. Once they started getting adjustments regularly they were both able to conceive and have happy healthy babies. This really got my attention because that is what I am longing for, just to have happy healthy babies of our own.
I went in to get my exam and then scheduled a follow up appointment to see the results. My husband came with me to see the ex ray's and everything. I learned that I had extreme forward head posture and that my spine itself was pretty straight just a little off at the bottom.
Now came the bad part... The cost. I figured that each visit would be like a doctors visit, You pay your co-payment if you have one and then if there is anything else needed they will bill you after they get the insurance payment... Well, boy was I ever wrong! They wanted me to sign a 1 year contract stating that I would receive treatment for 1 year and this was how long the Chiropractor thought it would take for correct the neck issues I was having. And... they wanted a TON of money every month. With all the bills I already had and just the amount of money I have to spend it gas to get to work we told the Chiropractor that we would not be able to start the treatment. Since he knew my story he was able to give me what they call a hardship price. Not that we are in a situation where we are having hardships but if we were to pay the amount he origianlly wanted then we would totally be in a hardship situation. Since he was nice enough to give us a price I could afford for the year of treatment I started with him the next week.
The first several months I had to go to the office three times a week for an adjustment and then spend 30 minutes doing rehabilitation exercises. Once that segment of treatment was over I was down to two visits per week and then after that segment one visit per week. Just a few weeks ago I had my 6 month ex rays done. My neck had went from a positive 12 degrees curve to a negative 37 degrees curve (negative 40 is normal for the neck).
However even with this great progress as you can see I am still not pregnant and I am starting to believe that Chiropractics is not going to be what helps us start our family. The only thing that it has done for me is to reduce the amount of headaches that i typically have. Usually I would have two or three a week and now I can gone over a month usually with out having one. That is great and all but my real reason for going there was to help with the nerve flow to my reproductive organs to help us have children and thus far that has not happened. I have 4 months left on my one year contract and then after that I plan on leave the office as I could really use the money that I am paying them for other things that are more important to me like my medications that are helping me to at least ovulation properly. We may not have conceived yet but I keep hope that even if we have to go as far as IVF we will have children of our own one day.
The clinic was offering a 20 dollar initial exam and x-rays and the 20 dollars would go to JDRF (Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, as I work for a company who makes diabetes home monitoring kits) So I thought to myself why not give it a shot. It's 20 dollars that goes to a good cause and maybe just maybe this was a sign from God that I should do this in order to help us conceive.
Both Chiropractors that spoke told stories of their own wives and how they were having trouble conceiving and even had several miscarriages. Once they started getting adjustments regularly they were both able to conceive and have happy healthy babies. This really got my attention because that is what I am longing for, just to have happy healthy babies of our own.
I went in to get my exam and then scheduled a follow up appointment to see the results. My husband came with me to see the ex ray's and everything. I learned that I had extreme forward head posture and that my spine itself was pretty straight just a little off at the bottom.
Now came the bad part... The cost. I figured that each visit would be like a doctors visit, You pay your co-payment if you have one and then if there is anything else needed they will bill you after they get the insurance payment... Well, boy was I ever wrong! They wanted me to sign a 1 year contract stating that I would receive treatment for 1 year and this was how long the Chiropractor thought it would take for correct the neck issues I was having. And... they wanted a TON of money every month. With all the bills I already had and just the amount of money I have to spend it gas to get to work we told the Chiropractor that we would not be able to start the treatment. Since he knew my story he was able to give me what they call a hardship price. Not that we are in a situation where we are having hardships but if we were to pay the amount he origianlly wanted then we would totally be in a hardship situation. Since he was nice enough to give us a price I could afford for the year of treatment I started with him the next week.
The first several months I had to go to the office three times a week for an adjustment and then spend 30 minutes doing rehabilitation exercises. Once that segment of treatment was over I was down to two visits per week and then after that segment one visit per week. Just a few weeks ago I had my 6 month ex rays done. My neck had went from a positive 12 degrees curve to a negative 37 degrees curve (negative 40 is normal for the neck).
However even with this great progress as you can see I am still not pregnant and I am starting to believe that Chiropractics is not going to be what helps us start our family. The only thing that it has done for me is to reduce the amount of headaches that i typically have. Usually I would have two or three a week and now I can gone over a month usually with out having one. That is great and all but my real reason for going there was to help with the nerve flow to my reproductive organs to help us have children and thus far that has not happened. I have 4 months left on my one year contract and then after that I plan on leave the office as I could really use the money that I am paying them for other things that are more important to me like my medications that are helping me to at least ovulation properly. We may not have conceived yet but I keep hope that even if we have to go as far as IVF we will have children of our own one day.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Baby psychic or Baby psycho???
So, throughout this journey I have been trying to find anything and everything that could help in our journey to have a baby. Anything from fertility bracelets to fertility yoga (which I love yoga) and I even came across some positing on message board about a few different baby psychics who claim to be able to predict the month you will conceive, find out in or give birth and the gender of the baby. Know I know that the bible does not speak highly of people who say they can predict the future but at this point I need something to take my mind off things and have a little entertainment in this sad time of my life.
Now to me God plans the future and no one really knows what is going to happen but if people did then each person should be able to predict the same thing happening right?!?!? well that's not the case with these "Baby Psychics" that I emailed. One told me May, one told me September and one told me October from a cycle that starts in September. Two said girl and one said boy... All these different answers just confirm to me that there is no such thing as psychic abilities. There is no possible way any of this could happen.
The closes thing that any of them got right was the fact that one told me something will happen the last week in may and to look ahead and see if I was going to be testing or ovulating the last week of May. Well The last week of may at my ultrasound I had two mature follicles and I did ovulate that week. However, I'm not feeling that we have conceived this month... But we will see.
Till then I'm just going to try to keep my faith and believe that God does have a plan for us and we will have children one day.
Now to me God plans the future and no one really knows what is going to happen but if people did then each person should be able to predict the same thing happening right?!?!? well that's not the case with these "Baby Psychics" that I emailed. One told me May, one told me September and one told me October from a cycle that starts in September. Two said girl and one said boy... All these different answers just confirm to me that there is no such thing as psychic abilities. There is no possible way any of this could happen.
The closes thing that any of them got right was the fact that one told me something will happen the last week in may and to look ahead and see if I was going to be testing or ovulating the last week of May. Well The last week of may at my ultrasound I had two mature follicles and I did ovulate that week. However, I'm not feeling that we have conceived this month... But we will see.
Till then I'm just going to try to keep my faith and believe that God does have a plan for us and we will have children one day.
Friday, June 3, 2011
The cost of it all $$$
In 2010 i thought I had good insurance, I thought for sure everything would be covered. So you can imagine the surprise I got when i went to pick up my clomid and it was 50 dollars a prescription, 300 dollars for the 6 months we used it. Then the OPK's the ovulation prediction kits, 45 dollars a month for one kit about 450 dollars for all cycles. Various doctors visits, IUI's and ultrasounds about 3000 dollars.
Finally we got some good news, my company was getting better insurance in 2011 and they were going to cover infertility treatments!!! This year I have had no doctors bills, all medications have been either 5 or 10 dollars but the OPK's are still way expensive but those are not prescription. So even though I'm out about 4000 dollars from 2010 and my checking account and savings account are crying due to this and the cost of gas and the amount of gas I have to use just to get to and from work, almost everything is covered this year and that is amazing, its really the only reason I keep my job and don't look for anything outside of my company. I need these benefits if we have to go to the next step of IVF... Which is about 15,000 dollars! just for one round.
Finally we got some good news, my company was getting better insurance in 2011 and they were going to cover infertility treatments!!! This year I have had no doctors bills, all medications have been either 5 or 10 dollars but the OPK's are still way expensive but those are not prescription. So even though I'm out about 4000 dollars from 2010 and my checking account and savings account are crying due to this and the cost of gas and the amount of gas I have to use just to get to and from work, almost everything is covered this year and that is amazing, its really the only reason I keep my job and don't look for anything outside of my company. I need these benefits if we have to go to the next step of IVF... Which is about 15,000 dollars! just for one round.
Finding strength in others with the same issues
When I first started taking the clomid i did some searching online for success stories and I was able to find a message board (Well millions of message boards about TTC) where woman with PCOS and issues TTC would post their stories and talk about the pain they are going through and give advice on what has worked for them. For several months I found a home here. Until everyone that started posting about the same time as I did got pregnant. Once people got pregnant it was like they just left the board, they got their support then their BFP and then they were gone... I had to leave, I was back to just me.
I do have a few ladies from that blog that have kept in touch and I'm happy to announce one has had her baby and the other is currently pregnant. I still read the message board from time to time but I don't post on it or on any boards, I just read and find hope.
I do have a few ladies from that blog that have kept in touch and I'm happy to announce one has had her baby and the other is currently pregnant. I still read the message board from time to time but I don't post on it or on any boards, I just read and find hope.
You're Just to FAT!
before I met my husband and I was on birth control I was able to lose weight because my hormones were in check. Once I went off my birth control my hormones went crazy and I started gaining all the weight back, which increases the depression even more. I was told I should loose weight to help with TTC but that PCOS is going to make it extremely difficult to loose weight... So what do I do???
I have tired and tried, I have lost 10 pounds here 5 pounds there, i work out 4 or more times a week and I try to keep what I eat in check with one cheat day a week yet I still gain weight, and I get more and more depressed. Especially when you hear that people in the family are saying things that are not so nice about your weight... It makes me very self conscious and I don't want to eat around anyone. I want to loose weight but I seem to almost always be hungry, it's like the more depressed i get about the situation the more I eat and eat and the more and more I just can't get it together. Even with the working out and the running nothing happens, except I get fatter and fatter and uglier by the minute, that's how I feel. Depression hurts and it makes you feel bad about yourself especially when others are talking about you.
I still look to God for answers and help and strength and some days I have it and some days I don't. Even though the medication is helping me to ovulate i don't know what's going to happen next.
Depression hits hard when TTC
Through everything we have been through I have tried to stay positive but it is really hard when you see people you know left and right getting pregnant, from teenagers to those in the mid 30's. It makes you wonder why not me? Why and I not fit to be a mother? What is wrong with me?
I typically and up beat and positive at the start of a cycle and then by the mid to end point I get so down and depressed that again and again and try after try it doesn't happen. I think to myself, I have done everything right in my life. I was a good student, I was on the honor roll, I played sports and was the editor of the News Paper. i went to and graduated from college and even worked while in school. i had two great internships. I've never been in trouble with the law, I went to church I volunteered, I feel like I did everything right and yet you can see news stories about crack heads having 12 babies and people locking their children in closets with no food or water for days on end... I think how is this fair, I have so much to give to a child and these people are abusing the gifts that they have been given by God...
It makes you feel like an incomplete woman, like you can't do what you were made to do, a failure to your husband, why can't i produce a child for him??? I read a lot about men who leave their wives because they can not conceive. And even though I know my husband loves me unconditionally and would never leave me I still feel like I'm letting him down and failing him.
It gets harder and harder every month to not go deeper into depression especially when I hate my job on top of not being able to get pregnant why are things going wrong? I have prayed and prayed about both my job and getting pregnant and I have not gotten an answer. I pray for even just a sign and I don't have one. I have no idea if I will ever be able to have a baby. I like to think that one day it will happen but it's hard when you hear people say "your not getting any younger" and you seen teenage girls every week on MTV getting pregnant, not even out of high school with no job and no means of taking care of the child.
I know that God would not give me more then I can handle but I'm about at the end of my rope, I don't know how much more disappointment I can take...
I typically and up beat and positive at the start of a cycle and then by the mid to end point I get so down and depressed that again and again and try after try it doesn't happen. I think to myself, I have done everything right in my life. I was a good student, I was on the honor roll, I played sports and was the editor of the News Paper. i went to and graduated from college and even worked while in school. i had two great internships. I've never been in trouble with the law, I went to church I volunteered, I feel like I did everything right and yet you can see news stories about crack heads having 12 babies and people locking their children in closets with no food or water for days on end... I think how is this fair, I have so much to give to a child and these people are abusing the gifts that they have been given by God...
It makes you feel like an incomplete woman, like you can't do what you were made to do, a failure to your husband, why can't i produce a child for him??? I read a lot about men who leave their wives because they can not conceive. And even though I know my husband loves me unconditionally and would never leave me I still feel like I'm letting him down and failing him.
It gets harder and harder every month to not go deeper into depression especially when I hate my job on top of not being able to get pregnant why are things going wrong? I have prayed and prayed about both my job and getting pregnant and I have not gotten an answer. I pray for even just a sign and I don't have one. I have no idea if I will ever be able to have a baby. I like to think that one day it will happen but it's hard when you hear people say "your not getting any younger" and you seen teenage girls every week on MTV getting pregnant, not even out of high school with no job and no means of taking care of the child.
I know that God would not give me more then I can handle but I'm about at the end of my rope, I don't know how much more disappointment I can take...
Month after month and no such luck...
Even though we had been trying since October 2009 I really feel that June 2010 is our real start date because that is when we got some answers as to why we have not been able to have a child.
Here is just about everything I have been through... I've been through so much that I might have left something out but I tried my best to remember everything... Here goes...
Cycle 1 - June 2010:
*50mg clomid
Positive OVP on CD 16
No baby
Cycle 2 - July 2010
*100mg clomid
Positive OVP day 19
No baby
Cycle 3 - August 2010
*150mg Clomid
Dont remember when the positive OVP was
No baby
Cycle 4 - September 2010
*200mg Clomid
CD 13 ultrasound, one good follicle, given HCG shot to induce ovulation
Still no baby
Cycle 5 - October 2010
*200mg clomid
CD 13 ultrasound, one good follicle, again given HCG shot to induce ovulation
Again, no baby
Cycle 6 - November 2010
*200mg clomid
CD 13 ultrasound, once good follicle, again HCG shot
First IUI (intrauterine insemination)
after the 2ww, again no baby
December 2010 cycle took a break, was tired of being poked and prodded and taking medication and getting shots and ultrasounds. No medication taken. However did ovulate on my own, it was a longer cycle then typical but it was a good sign to be ovulating and having a cycle with no medication.
Cycle 7 - January 2011(8 if you count December 2010)
*200mg Clomid
CD 13 ultrasound... Not responding to clomid anymore, no mature follicles. Started progesterone to start new cycle
Cycle 8 - February 2011(9 if you count December 2010)
*5mg Letrezol (femera) New medication fresh start...
CD 13 ultrasound, one good follicle, given HCG shot
Second IUI
Yet again, no baby
This month also had the HSG test, not as painful as I had read about but it was very awkward. However, good news my tubes are clear and there is no blockage. And my new insurance paid for it all! over 3000 dollars.
Cycle 9 - March 2011 (10 if you count December 2010)
*5mg Letrezol (femera)
No scan this month, can't remember if I did OVP kits or not as they are so expensive so some months I didn't buy them.
However again as all other cycles, no baby...
Cycle 10 - April 2011 (11 if you count December 2010)
*5mg Letrezol (femera)
No ultrasound
Did do OVP kit but ran out of tests before I got a positive so I have no idea when I ovulated but I did. You know how I know... I started my period
NO BABY.
Cycle 11 - May 2011 (12 if you cound December 2010)
*5mg Letrezol (Femera)
CD 13 ultrasound 2 great sized follicles!!!!! I've never had two good ones before
Given HCG shot. Was asked if we wanted to do IUI however I decided not to as the first two didn't work and they are expensive, my insurance will cover it but you have to pay up front and then wait months and months to get a refund, still haven't gotten the refund from the last one...
And now we wait... I'm not to positive for this month either, I feel like my cycle may be coming to an end with no conception yet again... Just waiting to see.
First visit with the RE
After all of the research i did, learning about basil body temperatures and cervical mucus and just reproduction in general it was finally time for my first visit with my RE. i had my records from my GYN faxed over, everything from the ultrasounds to the blood work results. It wasn't the best first visit you could have had. It took two hours and I felt like I did more waiting then anything. A med student came in first and started asking me a bunch of questions. Then I wanted some more. Finally the doctor came in. She read my charts and asked me a bunch of questions and then did an exam. It doesn't seem like it would take that long after writing it out but they were sooooo slow! She finial gave me a medication called Clomid, the first step and getting some follicles to grow and produce some eggs.
And so it began....
Medications Vs. Supliments
So now that I have been diagnosed with what seemed like and unfix able aliment I didn't want to wait three months to see if the medication the GYN gave me would work. I couldn't just sit around and wonder and wait. I had to start doing some research on my own.
A lot of what i came across first was herbal supplements that can help balance a woman's hormones and help with ovulation. Anything from Cinnamon to red raspberry leaf and many more. The most common supplement I came across was called Vitex (also known as Chase berry). The key to getting pregnant besides general health and well being is ovulation and regular menstrual cycles. Vitex or chase berry has an excellent track record in relieving complaints in woman cause by hormonal imbalances. It may also be helpful for woman with PCOS.
Well this stuff is very hard to come across. I had to order it online and then after that I was able to find it at the vitamin shoppe. I started taking it along with about 15 other supplements. After about 2 months of taking tons of pills several times each day I decided I needed to do a bit more research. I came across the TTC (trying to conceive) blogs. I read about medications that a doctor can give you to help induce ovulation each month and about a specialist called and RE (reproductive endocrinologist) I was stoked that there was stuff that a doctor could do to help us achieve our dream of starting a family.
So i found an RE that my insurance would cover and made an appointment...
Over a year of trying...
After reading a Friend of a friends blog last night on her journey of trying to conceive I thought that it might be therapeutic for me to start my own blog as a way to talk about all the heartache and sadness that has been going on for for over a year now in my life.
A little background... My amazing husband Jonathan and i got married in July of 2009. Shortly after I stopped taking my birth control because we decided that we wanted to start a family. I knew this might be hard but I didn't expect it to be this hard... Ever since I was young I had abnormal cycles until I went on birth control. When i stopped taking it in October of 2009 allot of things started happening with my body, I started gaining weight rapidly, my skin started to look like it did back when I was in high school and I was still having abnormal cycles. After 5 months I decided it was time to check in with my GYN. She ran some blood work and did some ultrasounds and came to the conclusion that I have what is know as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). For those of you who have never heard of this, PCOS happens when a female has too much insulin, a hormone that helps turn food into energy. extra insulin can cause the other hormones in you body to be unbalanced. You may product extra of the hormone called androgen's, even though this is primarily a male hormone, females have it too and extra androgen's in a female can lead to acne, excess body hair (thank goodness I don't have this side effect), weight gain and irregular periods making it difficult to conceive.
After hearing this news I was devastated, i felt defeated, as if it was like I was not fit to be a mother and that is why this was happening to me. I took the news very hard and had more bad days then good days. I was put on a medication called metformin (which is typically used for those who have diabetes). I didn't understand how this medication used primarily for diabetes was going to help me get what I was longing for. But I took it anyways. My GYN told me to wait three months to see if this would regulate my body...
Of course I had to do more then just wait around...
I'm going to try and keep each post kinda short otherwise this first one would be so long you might not want to finish reading it. I'm sure I will have several posts by the end of the day, each containing a different part of our journey.
A little background... My amazing husband Jonathan and i got married in July of 2009. Shortly after I stopped taking my birth control because we decided that we wanted to start a family. I knew this might be hard but I didn't expect it to be this hard... Ever since I was young I had abnormal cycles until I went on birth control. When i stopped taking it in October of 2009 allot of things started happening with my body, I started gaining weight rapidly, my skin started to look like it did back when I was in high school and I was still having abnormal cycles. After 5 months I decided it was time to check in with my GYN. She ran some blood work and did some ultrasounds and came to the conclusion that I have what is know as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). For those of you who have never heard of this, PCOS happens when a female has too much insulin, a hormone that helps turn food into energy. extra insulin can cause the other hormones in you body to be unbalanced. You may product extra of the hormone called androgen's, even though this is primarily a male hormone, females have it too and extra androgen's in a female can lead to acne, excess body hair (thank goodness I don't have this side effect), weight gain and irregular periods making it difficult to conceive.
After hearing this news I was devastated, i felt defeated, as if it was like I was not fit to be a mother and that is why this was happening to me. I took the news very hard and had more bad days then good days. I was put on a medication called metformin (which is typically used for those who have diabetes). I didn't understand how this medication used primarily for diabetes was going to help me get what I was longing for. But I took it anyways. My GYN told me to wait three months to see if this would regulate my body...
Of course I had to do more then just wait around...
I'm going to try and keep each post kinda short otherwise this first one would be so long you might not want to finish reading it. I'm sure I will have several posts by the end of the day, each containing a different part of our journey.
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