Struggling in more ways then just fertility

Ever since the IVF failed I have been trying so hard not to think about anything that has to do with trying to get pregnant. It's so very hard to do when it seems like every turn you make there is a pregnant woman or a child or a baby... I know Halloween is still over a month away but I'm dreading it. Sure, I love to decorate and I will admit that I found a bag of decorations while searching for my birth certificate last night (more of this issues later) and I had to put them out today. I just love the holidays and getting to put up decorations and give the house a different look for a while. However, last Halloween I though passing out candy would be a great idea and lost of fun to see the neighbors and their kids until this sweet little girl dressed as Jessie from Toy Story showed up at the door. She was so precious and I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down, I couldn't pass out any more candy. I wanted to be the mom with the child going door to door, but I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling and I never want to feel that way again. But... I'm sure I will, I'm sure between now and whenever we do have children there will be many more hard times on my end.

Some days are better then others. Today seems to be one of those days where all that keeps coming into my head is when will it be our turn? Most days following the failed IVF I have been able to keep my mind on other things and try to stay positive and then there are days like today. I'm struggling with another big decision I need to make, that I want to make and I know the right choice but I'm scared to just do it. Pretty much everyone knows I can't stand my job. I work my ass off for this company, I do what they say and more. I try and try to get ahead and then I never do. It's always the person who knows someone, or who's parents work at the same company who get the promotion or the move to the new position. After the rejection of the last position I applied for I just can't do it anymore. I'm so miserable. My work life is effecting my personal life, I'm sad all the time (sometimes because of fertility but mostly because of work). I get so bored at work, it doesn't stimulate me. And on top of that we are treated like children. they watch every step we take and every move we make. They change our breaks and lunch times and don't care when we have to work over 5 hours of taking phone calls and getting yelled at with out a break because it's all "Customer First" but we are their customer's and they are in no way putting us first and it is just getting so hard to deal with. I know I need to try and get a new job but I'm so scared that if I do the company will not have fertility coverage and I wont be able to afford to keep trying to IVF and keep working with my RE. This though scares me to death that I would have to just give up on trying to have a child of my own, a piece of me and my husband and our families.  Most importantly a piece of my parents, a new extension of our side of the family. I just can't give that up but i know to be happy I have to leave at some point.  I did get some good news from my parents the other day, the company that my father works for covers fertility, I was so happy to hear this... but now I have to get a job offer from them and I don't know if that will happen or if there will ever be a job I am qualified for there but I'm going to keep trying. I think if I can finally get out of this job that I'm at I can relax more and my stress levels will go down and I would be so much more happy which is always a good thing when you are trying to have a baby.

I have made the first steps in this new scary journey of trying to get a new job and applied for a position at another company. I pray that I can at least get an interview and maybe even the job, I would love to have a new job at a new company where I feel that I am respected and treated fairly. And of course at a place where i don't hate waking up in the mornings because I have to do a boring, repetitive job for 8 hours a day and deal with people who tell me I have so much potential but will never give me a shot. Pardon my french but I have come to realize everything that has been told to me over the last 4 years is a STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! and I'm done trying, it's time to hopefully move on soon.

I'm trying to take this TTC break and work on trying to be happy and trying to lose weight (which is working, slowly but surely, I'm trying to hard to keep it all up) and trying to get a new job and most importantly trying to not be so sad and depressed about not being able to get pregnant.

Every day there seems to be another one... and I'm still empty.

I'm still struggling with the failed IVF from over two weeks ago. Even though I'm doing much better then two weeks ago I still feel so empty inside. I'm not crying every day and I'm even not thinking about it 24/7 anymore but when I do it hurts.  I'm trying to deal with this loss (to me it is a loss, there was a growing embryo, the start of life, and it didn't make it) and as much as I want to be happy for everyone who is getting pregnant these days it is still really hard. I am happy for those who are blessed with children and a family but it's hard to see sometimes. The last few days that I have gotten on facebook I have seen someone new announcing their pregnancy, people who are my age, people who I went to school with and that brings back all the horrible thoughts of why not me? Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I have a family? I try and try and try to push those thoughts back and replace them with positive thoughts... "I will have a baby", "I will get pregnant", "We will have a family..." Lately those have been staying around much longer then the negative ones but those negative ones always seem to show their ugly heads sometimes.

I had sent an email to a local fertility support group and was planning on going to their meeting, maybe talking to other people in person with the same issues as me might help out. But I chickened out. Every time I try to talk about this with anyone, I start to cry. I'm over crying, that's all I have been doing and it really gives a girl a bad head ache to cry all the time. I couldn't bare to start crying in front of complete strangers. I don't know if a support group would help me or not but for now I will keep to this blog to let my feelings out. Even if no one really reads this, it's sort of therapeutic for me in some ways but in other's it just brings up those bad feeling and thoughts of failure.  My support group for now is my family, my amazing parents who would do anything for me and I feel so blessed to be their child because I really do feel that they are the best parents in the world. And my amazing husband, who loves me the way I am and loves me for me. He doesn't ask me to change or do things differently, he just supports me.

I have signed us up to go to another adoption information meeting in the next few days. At first I was against adoption, I didn't want to raise a child and have them want to go find their birth parents when they are older and leave me alone again with no children after raising them. Over the last two years of trying to have a child I have grown more open to the option of adoption but not an open adoption. I want to be the one and only mother or "mommy" in my child's life. I pray every night that I can give Jonathan a child of his own, a child that is made of him and I but if the Lord wants us to adopt that that is what we will have to do.

Even though I am more open to adoption, part of me still feels that even if we have all of our children through adoption I will still have that empty feeling inside of me, that "your a failure" feeling, that "your not a complete woman because you cant bare children" feeling. I pray that isn't the case if we do end up adopting but its all so scary.

Until that time comes I'm going to try and go back to my happy place, my place of content in not having a child yet and a place of hope that one day I will.