Through everything we have been through I have tried to stay positive but it is really hard when you see people you know left and right getting pregnant, from teenagers to those in the mid 30's. It makes you wonder why not me? Why and I not fit to be a mother? What is wrong with me?
I typically and up beat and positive at the start of a cycle and then by the mid to end point I get so down and depressed that again and again and try after try it doesn't happen. I think to myself, I have done everything right in my life. I was a good student, I was on the honor roll, I played sports and was the editor of the News Paper. i went to and graduated from college and even worked while in school. i had two great internships. I've never been in trouble with the law, I went to church I volunteered, I feel like I did everything right and yet you can see news stories about crack heads having 12 babies and people locking their children in closets with no food or water for days on end... I think how is this fair, I have so much to give to a child and these people are abusing the gifts that they have been given by God...
It makes you feel like an incomplete woman, like you can't do what you were made to do, a failure to your husband, why can't i produce a child for him??? I read a lot about men who leave their wives because they can not conceive. And even though I know my husband loves me unconditionally and would never leave me I still feel like I'm letting him down and failing him.
It gets harder and harder every month to not go deeper into depression especially when I hate my job on top of not being able to get pregnant why are things going wrong? I have prayed and prayed about both my job and getting pregnant and I have not gotten an answer. I pray for even just a sign and I don't have one. I have no idea if I will ever be able to have a baby. I like to think that one day it will happen but it's hard when you hear people say "your not getting any younger" and you seen teenage girls every week on MTV getting pregnant, not even out of high school with no job and no means of taking care of the child.
I know that God would not give me more then I can handle but I'm about at the end of my rope, I don't know how much more disappointment I can take...
I am bawling my eyes out reading this because this is EXACTLY how I feel every month. I am taking Provera to regulate my cycle and every month before I start taking it I have to take a pregnancy test. That is one of the hardest things I have to do. It gets mine and Eric's hopes up just thinking 'This time will be it. This time will be different.' But it never is. It has been 3 1/2 years for us and no one knows anything. All of our tests come back fine. Except I'm not regular and we aren't pregnant. :( I understand what you're going though and if you ever want to talk or drown our sorrows together I'm here for you.
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