Ever since the IVF failed I have been trying so hard not to think about anything that has to do with trying to get pregnant. It's so very hard to do when it seems like every turn you make there is a pregnant woman or a child or a baby... I know Halloween is still over a month away but I'm dreading it. Sure, I love to decorate and I will admit that I found a bag of decorations while searching for my birth certificate last night (more of this issues later) and I had to put them out today. I just love the holidays and getting to put up decorations and give the house a different look for a while. However, last Halloween I though passing out candy would be a great idea and lost of fun to see the neighbors and their kids until this sweet little girl dressed as Jessie from Toy Story showed up at the door. She was so precious and I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke down, I couldn't pass out any more candy. I wanted to be the mom with the child going door to door, but I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling and I never want to feel that way again. But... I'm sure I will, I'm sure between now and whenever we do have children there will be many more hard times on my end.
Some days are better then others. Today seems to be one of those days where all that keeps coming into my head is when will it be our turn? Most days following the failed IVF I have been able to keep my mind on other things and try to stay positive and then there are days like today. I'm struggling with another big decision I need to make, that I want to make and I know the right choice but I'm scared to just do it. Pretty much everyone knows I can't stand my job. I work my ass off for this company, I do what they say and more. I try and try to get ahead and then I never do. It's always the person who knows someone, or who's parents work at the same company who get the promotion or the move to the new position. After the rejection of the last position I applied for I just can't do it anymore. I'm so miserable. My work life is effecting my personal life, I'm sad all the time (sometimes because of fertility but mostly because of work). I get so bored at work, it doesn't stimulate me. And on top of that we are treated like children. they watch every step we take and every move we make. They change our breaks and lunch times and don't care when we have to work over 5 hours of taking phone calls and getting yelled at with out a break because it's all "Customer First" but we are their customer's and they are in no way putting us first and it is just getting so hard to deal with. I know I need to try and get a new job but I'm so scared that if I do the company will not have fertility coverage and I wont be able to afford to keep trying to IVF and keep working with my RE. This though scares me to death that I would have to just give up on trying to have a child of my own, a piece of me and my husband and our families. Most importantly a piece of my parents, a new extension of our side of the family. I just can't give that up but i know to be happy I have to leave at some point. I did get some good news from my parents the other day, the company that my father works for covers fertility, I was so happy to hear this... but now I have to get a job offer from them and I don't know if that will happen or if there will ever be a job I am qualified for there but I'm going to keep trying. I think if I can finally get out of this job that I'm at I can relax more and my stress levels will go down and I would be so much more happy which is always a good thing when you are trying to have a baby.
I have made the first steps in this new scary journey of trying to get a new job and applied for a position at another company. I pray that I can at least get an interview and maybe even the job, I would love to have a new job at a new company where I feel that I am respected and treated fairly. And of course at a place where i don't hate waking up in the mornings because I have to do a boring, repetitive job for 8 hours a day and deal with people who tell me I have so much potential but will never give me a shot. Pardon my french but I have come to realize everything that has been told to me over the last 4 years is a STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! and I'm done trying, it's time to hopefully move on soon.
I'm trying to take this TTC break and work on trying to be happy and trying to lose weight (which is working, slowly but surely, I'm trying to hard to keep it all up) and trying to get a new job and most importantly trying to not be so sad and depressed about not being able to get pregnant.
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