I'm still struggling with the failed IVF from over two weeks ago. Even though I'm doing much better then two weeks ago I still feel so empty inside. I'm not crying every day and I'm even not thinking about it 24/7 anymore but when I do it hurts. I'm trying to deal with this loss (to me it is a loss, there was a growing embryo, the start of life, and it didn't make it) and as much as I want to be happy for everyone who is getting pregnant these days it is still really hard. I am happy for those who are blessed with children and a family but it's hard to see sometimes. The last few days that I have gotten on facebook I have seen someone new announcing their pregnancy, people who are my age, people who I went to school with and that brings back all the horrible thoughts of why not me? Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I have a family? I try and try and try to push those thoughts back and replace them with positive thoughts... "I will have a baby", "I will get pregnant", "We will have a family..." Lately those have been staying around much longer then the negative ones but those negative ones always seem to show their ugly heads sometimes.
I had sent an email to a local fertility support group and was planning on going to their meeting, maybe talking to other people in person with the same issues as me might help out. But I chickened out. Every time I try to talk about this with anyone, I start to cry. I'm over crying, that's all I have been doing and it really gives a girl a bad head ache to cry all the time. I couldn't bare to start crying in front of complete strangers. I don't know if a support group would help me or not but for now I will keep to this blog to let my feelings out. Even if no one really reads this, it's sort of therapeutic for me in some ways but in other's it just brings up those bad feeling and thoughts of failure. My support group for now is my family, my amazing parents who would do anything for me and I feel so blessed to be their child because I really do feel that they are the best parents in the world. And my amazing husband, who loves me the way I am and loves me for me. He doesn't ask me to change or do things differently, he just supports me.
I have signed us up to go to another adoption information meeting in the next few days. At first I was against adoption, I didn't want to raise a child and have them want to go find their birth parents when they are older and leave me alone again with no children after raising them. Over the last two years of trying to have a child I have grown more open to the option of adoption but not an open adoption. I want to be the one and only mother or "mommy" in my child's life. I pray every night that I can give Jonathan a child of his own, a child that is made of him and I but if the Lord wants us to adopt that that is what we will have to do.
Even though I am more open to adoption, part of me still feels that even if we have all of our children through adoption I will still have that empty feeling inside of me, that "your a failure" feeling, that "your not a complete woman because you cant bare children" feeling. I pray that isn't the case if we do end up adopting but its all so scary.
Until that time comes I'm going to try and go back to my happy place, my place of content in not having a child yet and a place of hope that one day I will.
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