So here is what has been going on the past few weeks with the IVF. Our egg retrieval was scheduled for August 10th at 8 in the morning. They prepared me with the IV in my hand and walked me to the operating room. I laid on the table and all sorts of thoughts went through my head. At my last scan the doctor thought she would be able to retrieve about 15 to 16 eggs. With Jonathan by my side they started the procedure. I was overly excited but scared at the same time. Will there be good eggs, how many will they be able to get, will they fertilize and grow? At the same time I was excited knowing that there were eggs and they would be fertilized and I was so hopeful. As the nurse pumped me full of pain meds we watched on the ultrasound screen as she went and got the eggs. It seemed like I was there forever and all I heard was 3 eggs. "3 eggs" I thought... "But she said she could get around 15, I've been laying here forever and there are only three eggs???" More pain meds, more eggs, more pain meds, more eggs. The end result was 17 eggs. More then we expected. I had high hopes that most of them would fertilize. I had to stay at the operating center for a while before they would let me go. Before I left they made me take two more pain pills... We will just say that the drive home was not the best car ride I have ever been on. And I'm sure that the side of 465 was not to thrilled when I made Jonathan pull over on the side of the road.... I think you can guess what happened next.
Once home I had to lay at a 45 degree angle for the first 24-48 hours but I only made it maybe 12 hours... Due to the high levels of pain meds I was given, I slept pretty much all day until about 7pm. At this time I had to get up and prepaire the injection and put my estrogen patches on. As I was preparing the injection I started getting very light headed so I sat down for a moment to regroup. I finally got the injection ready and Jonathan proceeded to give it to me... Then I walked out of the bathroom to go back to the recliner I had to stay in. The next thing I remember is Jonathan yelling my name and waking up in the middle of the bedroom floor thinking "why am I laying flat?? I'm not supposed to be laying flat, what is going on..." I had passed out. I immediately stood up and started back towards the chair but again didn't make it, again, I passed out in the hallway. Finally I made it back to the chair where I started to sweat and was having difficulty breathing. Before we had left the clinic they had given me a sheet of paper with an emergency phone number on it, we called and it was disconnected! So we called the doctors regular office number and the emergency line advised someone would call us back shortly... An hour passed and we called back, finally someone came on the line and told Jonathan to get me to the Emergency Room... So we headed to Clarian West where the put me in a room with and IV, they took some blood and made me pee in a cup... I could tell the ER doctor had no idea what was going on, I think I am more schooled in infertility then she is. Several hours later I had to have a cat scan where they told me that I had excessive fluid in my abdomen which I could have told them without the cat scan. They said they were going to admit me... The OB/GYN on call then came in the room and said that I could be in the hospital for over a week because my ovaries were Hyper stimulated from the IVF procedures. He also told us that hyper stimulation is not common and they could not treat me at Clarian West. They had to move me to IU downtown and I had to be transported in an Ambulance. Another few hours later the ambulance finally arrived and then we were downtown. My doctors office is at IU downtown so she finally arrived around 7 in the morning. One of the first things I told her was that her emergency phone number was disconnected! She told me it wasn't as bad as the other doctors were telling us and around 5pm that night I was able to go home.
Over the next few days my stomach was so swollen and puffed up, i could barley move and walk, all I wanted to do was sleep, i hurt so bad. On Sunday were going to go out to a nice dinner with my parents and right before they were going to pick us up I started getting light headed and sweaty again, it wasn't as bad as the day of the operation so I went to dinner but we had to cut it short as I was not doing good. The next day we were supposed to have our transfer, I was scared that being so sick it wasn't a good idea.
Monday came and I was even more sick, I was going from being cold to hot and sweaty, I couldn't eat anything because every time I would sit up I would throw up. We went to the clinic anyways so the doctor could check me out and let us know if it was still a good idea to do the transfer. I laid down in the bed for a while as the doctor was working with someone else still. I started to feel better, but laying down was the only way I did feel good. The doctor came in and checked me out, she seemed to think everything was okay as I didn't have any fluid in my lungs. She never really answered out question about why I was light headed and throwing up all day. but she felt it was okay to do the transfer.
Out of the 17 eggs we got, 9 were large enough to fertilize but only three were ready by day 5, one was grade A+ and the other two A's. In my mind I was thinking, 3... that's it?!?! Out of 17 we only got three all of this for three?? But also at least we got three, some people may not get any. So we transferred back the grade A+ embryo. After an hour of laying down I got up and they got me a wheel chair to take me out and again, more throwing up. I was so nervous that me getting sick had ruined everything. we went home and I just rested. I didn't do much of anything. I was so sick and hurting. It took me over two weeks from the retrieval to even be able to stand up long enough to just take a showing.
Anyone who has had trouble with fertility knows that what is referred to as the two week wait is the longest two weeks of your life. I've been through almost 2 years of two week waits now, one would think I would be used to it, but ever 2 week wait is new and different. I remember the doctor saying that if the IVF took that my ovaries might stay enlarged for the next 5 to 7 weeks and they may continue to be sore and hurt... That's when I knew something wasn't right.
About a week after the transfer I woke up and I wasn't hurting anymore... I knew it didn't work, no one wanted to believe me. But it's my body and I have been going through these fertility treatments for almost 2 years. I just knew it didn't work but I tried to stay positive. Even after I started to have some spotting for a few days I was trying to be positive but at the same time I was being realistic. I knew this was yet another period coming and another negative pregnancy test. My period hadn't started by the day I was to get my blood work done so I went Monday morning and I called the nurse to let her know to expect the results... She called me a few hours later and I was right, Big Fat NEGATIVE. The IVF didn't work and I was yet again not pregnant. I always though for sure IVF would work, I mean the egg gets fertilized and then implanted... Why didn't my egg implantation take? What is so wrong with me that I can't get pregnant. Am i not meant to be a mom? I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife. I mean the woman is supposed to be able to give her husband children right??? So why can't I do this one little thing? Why can't I get pregnant and give my husband a child and my parents grandchildren?
There are so many emotions that a person goes through when dealing with infertility. Your try to stay positive but negative thoughts keep getting in the way. I was so hopeful when i found out that my insurance would cover all IVF procedures. I thought, "this is it, we are going to have a family, we are going to have a child of our own, this just has to work..." But it didn't. I asked the nurse why it might not have worked? They didn't really give me an answer. Sometimes I really don't like the office that I am working with, I feel that they know what they are doing medically and they are always using medical terminology that I just don't understand but they are not the best at being personable and caring and understanding. They don't take the time to explain what is going on in layman's terms so that you understand. The only time they did this was when I would ask them to explain or give a definition of what in the world they were talking about.
"So now what..." I can't even get pregnant with IVF, they put a growing embryo inside of my and it didn't stick... I still wonder why me? Why am i having so many problems. I try and keep my faith in God that he will give us a family one day but then those negative thoughts start to creep back in. I try to erase them from my mind but every so often here they come again. "Your a failure, you suck, your to fat and you will never have a baby" I'm trying to not let this effect me but it does. You can't understand what someone who is dealing with infertility is going through unless you have gone through it yourself.
I'm trying to just relax and take it one day at a time. I want this so bad, i want to have a family and I want to be able to give that gift to my husband as well and i can't help continuing to think "When will that happen"? When will it be my turn to celebrate? When will it be my time to be over the moon excited about starting a family... When will it be our turn to celebrate a blessing together and with out family??
I don't know when that will happen or if it will, but I'm trying to keep my faith and keep my hope alive. We still have two frozen embryos to try. The lab that we have been using is backed up according to the nurse so she said it would be best to try a frozen IVF cycle in January sometime... It seems so far away but it might be good. To take a break and not always be thinking about trying to get pregnant and when to take the pills and the shots and always having to go to the doctors office and get scans and just take some time to focus on the little family we have right now, just me and my husband and enjoy our time together and just continue to hope and pray that this next cycle might work.
Until later,
Ashleigh
I <3 you!
ReplyDelete